In September I have a signing at the Borders in downtown Boston. While this is exciting enough (mostly because I plan on getting several slices of Pizzeria Regina when I'm there), my publicist then e-mailed me the following questionnaire:

• Does the author need a special brand of pen?
• Does the author require a certain type of drink and/or food?
• Will the author personalize? If so, does he/she like the store to use Post-Its to write out names?
• Will the author pose for pictures?
• Will the author be traveling to the store with anyone?
• Will he/she require a microphone to speak to the crowd?
• Does he/she require security?
• Does the author have any other special requests that we should be aware of?

So I'm thinking, do I milk this? I just happened to see something the other day talking about the absurd demands celebrities make (not that I'm under the illusion I'm a celebrity). Things like an all-white dressing room, Egyptian cotton sheets with a thread count of at least 250, fresh ginger root and a jar of honey, and, finally, a police escort to avoid traffic, of course.

With the horrible traffic downtown Boston gets, I doubt even a police escort would make a difference, but there were a few things I did think of. Forget the special brand of pens, and the security detail. Is it sad that my requests mostly revolve around food?

• I'd like pizza from Pizzeria Regina delivered to Borders so I don't have to wait in line at Fanueil Hall during lunch time (my signing is at 12:30).
• I'd like Stoli Dolis over crushed ice delivered from Capital Grille in chilled martini glasses (for those of you unfamiliar with this drink, it's pretty much just fresh pineapple steeped in Stoli vodka for a few days - you end up drinking straight vodka but it tastes so yummy and quite dangerous).
• I'd like a chocolate ice cream soda from Friendly's (brings back great childhood memories)
• And, finally, I'd like there to be a long, meandering line down the sidewalk outside Borders so I don't look like a loser if nobody shows up.

I just returned from a week away and it feels like I've been gone for years. I love to travel, but for some reason, the trek out to LA and then to Reno was really unenjoyable. It wasn't just that my kids kept asking me if we were almost there the entire flight to LA. It wasn't that for four hours I had to keep suggesting they just close their eyes and go to sleep to make the time go by faster, or that when we landed my cell phone couldn't get a signal in the airport and I realized for the first time that I no longer owned a calling card number that would allow me to use a pay phone. Or that the person I was trying to call (the driver) was standing somewhere in LAX with a sign saying O'CONNELL while I tried to figure out how to reach his phone to let him know we had arrived. And it wasn't even so much the LA traffic, although I had to keep reciting peaceful Zen thoughts to keep from hurling the complimentary bottled water in the back seat at the cars inching up next to us.

No, the real thing that annoyed the crap out of me was the travelers who decided to pack the contents of their entire house into overstuffed suitcases, and then unloaded them on the sidewalk outside the terminal and proceeded to remove and replace the contents to avoid paying the fee when they discovered their luggage exceeded the weight maximum. One couple had three HUGE suitcases open on the sidewalk and we all had to watch as they picked through underwear, bras, and various other clothing trying to figure out if a pair of Hanes briefs would eliminate the six pounds necessary to avoid the fee.

Why was I under the illusion that people were into traveling light these days? Am I the only one who goes to great lengths to avoid having to check my luggage? Apparently, as the family with six suitcases, two strollers and a freaking Rubbermaid container wrapped in duct tape proved. Are we so desperate, and our possessions so necessary, that we've resorted to using Tupperware for luggage?