Friday, September 28, 2007

 
I asked Vicki to contribute her two cents to the blog, considering she co-wrote the book with me and, without her, there would be no book. So here goes, Vicki's post.

Three years ago I had a life changing experience. I was told by my husband (at the time) that he was done with our marriage. It happens to a lot of people, right? One in two marriages is what we always hear. So I was expecting to find a web site (ohmygodImgettingdivorced.com) or some other definitive resource that could help me get through this. I felt like the human equivalent of a gold fish accidentally dropped when cleaning the fish bowl, flopping around on the kitchen counter. Breathless, scared, and definitely outside my comfort zone.

So what did I do? Lots of venting to Jennifer. There were all these new territories I didn't understand anything about: lawyers, disctrict courts, custody rules, who got what money, etc. I was utterly confused and feeling a bit exposed. At the end of most of our phone conversations, one of us would invariably say, "there needs to be a book about this." And so, after several more months, she and I finally decided that there would be a book about this. A sort of girlfriend's guide to getting divorced. The inside scoop on what to expect--in a way that your girlfriend would tell you--not your lawyer, your therapist, or the county judge.

We knew we wanted the book to be useful to divorcing women, but it had to be done in an entertaining way. When subject matters are depressing, it's hard to keep a glass half full attitude, but we were focused on the positive and the humorous. And hell, if that meant making my depressing experiences funny, then that's what we would do. (And that's what we did.)
Not only did we have a ball writing it--especially the weekend we rented a cottage on Martha's Vineyard and power authored something like six chapters in one weekend--but Jennifer and I actually grew closer through the experience. A nice little unexpected bonus.

Fast forward to June of this year where Jennifer and I got to sign our book at the BEA. Fellow writers, publishers and others in the biz lining up to get a signed copy of my book! Even Dog the Bounty Hunter was there! This was the perfect place to celebrate the end of my old life and the kick off my new one. Book written, hanging out with my best friend, feeling more satisfied with my life than when I was married. Chalk one up for the divorced woman.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

 

Tonight's favorite passage is from Chapter 10: Looking for Love...or Just Someone Willing to Share a Pepperoni Pizza. This chapter is all about getting back in the game. Luckily, Vicki hadn't played the game in a long time, so it was quite comical to see her dip her toes in the dating pool. She first tried match.com. But as soon as she sent me her description to read, I knew the girl really needed my help. I'm not going to post the final version of her description, after I'd worked my magic, but let me tell you - it was awesome.
What you write: For me, a great evening is one where I'm in my kitchen and enjoying a good bottle of wine. I love all kinds of food and enjoy discovering new cookbooks with unusual recipes. I don't need to go out to have fun.
What he reads: I'm a loner. I don't like to go out. I may also have an eating disorder, and/or may be using food as a psychological crutch. I'd rather sit in my kitchen drinking myself silly while I flip through cookbooks filled with recipes I'll never actually make because they require ingredients like orange zest and unsweetened cocoanut milk. I'm drinking straight from the wine bottle and have a Merlot mustache. I'm a very lonely, sad woman.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

 
And tonight's favorite passage comes from Chapter Three: Friends with Big (and Soggy) Shoulders. In this chapter we talk about the Dewey Decimal System of Friendship, Taking Inventory with Barcodes, and Girls You Do Not Want In Your Pledge Class - as well as a whole host of other friend-ly topics.

The section Girls You Do Not Want In Your Pledge Class provides descriptions of friends you might consider putting on your Do Not Call list for the time being, even if, once this has all blown over, you want to pick up where you left off.

There's the Angelina Jolie, The Poker, The Dismisser, The Obsessor, and, my favorite, The Clueless. Vicki wrote the description for this friend and for some reason it just cracks me up. So, here it is:
The Clueless: Upon the announcement, she tilts her head to the side and asks, "You were married?"


Tuesday, September 25, 2007

 

Tonight's favorite passage comes from Chapter 5 - The Five Stages, or If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Denial. Here's a tidbit from Stage 3: Bargaining.
For your divorce, bargaining may take on the form of negotiating with your ex on problems and issues that previously were the ones that drove you over the edge. What may have been the most offensive and disgusting habit before, all of a sudden becomes a minor, hardly noticeable irritation. If you've initiatiated the divorce, then you may be using bargaining to mentally talk yourself out of of what it was that made you want to leave him in the first place. That extreme fighting habit that's drained your bank account, left him with eight and a half fingers and resulted in a detatched retina? Maybe it's simply his way of letting off a little steam after a long day at the office.

Monday, September 24, 2007

 

This morning I heard about a German politician (a woman) who was proposing new legislation that would make marriage in Germany last only seven years. At that point couples could decide if they want to re-up for another seven. And you know what I thought? She stole my idea! I've always thought that's the way it should be. That way people know that if they treat their spouse badly their spouse won't have to stick around and take it. I think it's brilliant. People won't have to feel bad about leaving or stay in horrible situations. They could also set the settlement agreement up front if they decide to let the marriage expire, no messiness involved. And on that note....


My next favorite passage in The Divorced Girls Society:


It's terribly tempting at this point to attempt to figure out why. Why is
this happening? Why couldn't I fix it? If you're the one deciding to leave,
you're probably asking yourself why you just couldn't force yourself to be
happy. If you're the one being left, you're probably wondering what you did
wrong. At the end of the day it doesn't change anything. Even if you could
pinpoint the exact moment your marriage ceased to live up to its promises, it
doesn't matter. Perhaps you believe that playing Columbo - identifying the date
and time of the crime - will give you a sense of control and understanding. But
if you are hunkering to solve a mystery, pick up Agatha Christie. Leave the
postmortem of your marriage alone... for now.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

 

Next week is the official launch of THE DIVORCED GIRLS SOCIETY: Your Initiation Into the Club You Never Thought You'd Join. It's perfect timing, as one year ago at this exact time Vicki and I were hunkered down in a cottage on Martha's Vineyard writing the book. It was several days of brainstorming, cracking up, and trips to the liquor store. Good times.
This was my first non-fiction book, so I thought I'd post some of my favorite passages right here (chronologically as they appear in the book). Because the thing is, even though this is the real-life unfolding of what happened when Vicki got divorced, it manages to be funny. I told someone that and they were like, "Yeah, divorce, real funny topic." That's not the point! It's not that divorce is funny, it's probably one of the most serious things to happen to someone. And we didn't make light of that. But what Vicki and I were able to do is find humor in the absurdity of a lot that goes on during the whole ordeal. And if there's one thing someone needs during the process of divorce, it's a reminder that they can still smile.
So now, without further ado, one of my favorite passages from the book:
Sometimes it might be hard to see the glass as half full - especially when the
glass is gone because your ex has packed up your favorite stemware for his new
apartment without checking with you first. Divorce is a transition that forces
you to develop strengths, recognize weaknesses, and embrace your (sometimes
hidden) talents. Even if that talent is Academy Award-winning moments like
feigning surprise when your ex complains that he's allergic to cats - and
you just happen to have adopted a lovely long haired named Mr. Whiskers.

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