A reader emailed me and said that she couldn't wait to hear my stories of Black Friday. But I don't have any! I didn't do any shopping at all this weekend. Nada. Zilch. What did I do?

- I discovered that if you use the can of Reddi-Wip to shoot whipped cream directly into your mouth no one else in the house will want any whipped cream from that point on - which means more for you! Yeah!

- I also learned that once you begin spraying Reddi-Wip directly into your mouth while standing in front of the refrigerator, you better start figuring out how to keep said Reddi-Wip from appearing as lovely whipped topping bulges on your ass. So we joined the Y on Friday. And then I promptly went out and purchased another can of whipped topping to celebrate.

- I figured out that if you have Thanksgiving dinner at your best friend's house she ends up doing most of the work. And even if you've brought the salad, made the gravy, and whipped up some mashed potatos and several amazing molton chocolate souffles, you'll still feel guilty. So you'll have two of the molton chocolate souffles to dull the pain, and realize that no human being was meant to consume two sticks of butter, eight ounces of semi-sweet chocolate, brown sugar and regular sugar after downing six pieces of white meat. And learning that lesson is way more painful than the guilt that consumed you to begin with.

- Finally, I learned that after decorating a ten foot Christmas tree with a billion ornaments, your children will decide to create an imaginary world of snowmen and elves and other assorted holiday creatures with the ornaments. So your husband will walk into the family room, see 83 ornaments on the coffee table and ask, "Where'd all those new ornaments come from?" And you will have to tell him that they're not new, they're exactly the same ornaments the family had spent two hours putting up that afternoon. And then you'll head for the egg nog and Amaretto, grab the squirt bottle of whipped cream, and lull yourself into a creamy, high caloric coma.